Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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