I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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