I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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