theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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