You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
