My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He passed out mid-signature
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
