at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
