Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
did you just send me my own nude
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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