I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
