He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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