I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
