i already hear my dad disowning me
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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