The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
