I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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