I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
