I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my shit smells like andre
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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