You're completely useless in the revolution.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
