woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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