you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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