It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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