her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Vodka?
Forever.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
