He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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