just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
