so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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