I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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