I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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