Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
