Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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