I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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