My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
