had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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