: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
