I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
