so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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