God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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