friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you had me at cake vodka
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
