i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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