Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
