Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
