I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
