Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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