Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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