Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Holy shit dude........stairs
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