My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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