Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
