Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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