I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
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Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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