The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
