Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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