some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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