Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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