He uses pillows to masturbate.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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