I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
