good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
